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An Extra Step: Stepgrandparents
By Brette Sember

When you remarry, your child not only has a stepparent and possibly stepsiblings, but he or she suddenly has stepgrandparents as well. The impact of the stepgrandparent varies, depending on your family situation. But no matter how you slice it, stepgrandparents add yet another layer to an already complicated family.

Stepgrandparents and Stepsiblings
If your new spouse has children, the situation between your child and the stepgrandparent is likely to be a bit confusing. The stepsiblings in your home already have a strong bond with the stepgrandparents, as well as established rituals involving birthdays and holidays. Yet your child is a virtual stranger to this person and the dichotomy is certain to be apparent.

It can be difficult for one child in the home to watch other children in the home open gifts from a grandparent-type person and not get any himself. It can also be hard to watch stepsiblings head off on outings and be left behind. This is exacerbated if your child doesn't spend as much time with his or her grandparents or doesn't have a relationship that is as involved.

The first thing you must do is be very clear with your child about the roles of the different adults. Your child probably already has grandparents of her own, so make sure she is clear on this. Help her to understand that the stepgrandparents are people who may become special in her life, but are not as directly tied to her.

Suggest to all the grandparents involved that they reach out to the grandchildren they are not related to. This does not mean that they treat all children equally, but it should mean they eventually develop some kind of caring relationship with all of them. Do not pressure grandparents to take all of the children at once or suddenly treat them all equally. If they are to have a relationship with the stepgrandchildren, it must develop gradually.

Stepgrandparents without Stepsiblings
If you remarry and your spouse has no children, the relationship with the stepgrandparents may not be so glaringly difficult for your child, but it is bound to be confusing. Let adults and children get to know each other gradually.

If the stepgrandparents have no other grandchildren, this could be a difficult thing for them to get used to as well. Talk a bit with them about how they feel about the situation and what their expectations are. It will be up to you, the parent, to help them understand the child's developmental stage and reactions.

Name Game
It is important that all grandparents have different names and that a child is not asked or required to call a stepgrandparent by the same name as a true grandparent. Some people are comfortable with the use of first names for stepgrandparents. For those who are not, come up with different honorary names (such as Nana, Papa, Bubbe and so on) or attach a title to a first name, such as Grandma Jo.

Reassure Grandparents
Reassure the existing grandparents that their role is not being usurped and they will continue to have front row seats to watch their grandchild grow. If you are the type of family that has large all-inclusive gatherings, encourage your parents and your spouse's parents to get to know each other and develop a friendship. This is not a grandparenting competition, and is instead one big family that has room for everyone.

Have Patience
The key to making any step situation work is patience. It takes a long time for people to get to know each other, form bonds, and become comfortable. You can't rush it or force it, but you can be understanding as everyone gets used to the new situation.

Brette McWhorter Sember is a retired family attorney and mediator and nationally known expert about divorce and parenting after divorce. She is the author of The Divorce Organizer & Planner (McGraw-Hill), How to Parent With Your Ex: Working Together for Your Child's Best Interest (Sourcebooks) and No-Fight Divorce: Spend Less Money, Save Time, and Avoid Conflict Using Mediation (McGraw-Hill). Her web site is www.BretteSember.com.


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